Sometimes crews buddy-bid together so they can fly the same trip. For them, it’s like a road trip with a friend. For the rest of us, it’s like tagging along on their vacation. And sometimes they let you in on their little inside jokes.
“She’s the one who was locked out of her hotel room naked,” one of the traveling duo told me over coffee in the galley while we went through the get-to-know-you talks. She hardly knew me yet, but she could tell I was the one to pull off the joke.
“You have to get her to think you know the story and embarrass her. Like the TopGun line, ‘So…you’re the one!'”
I told her I was on it, though I had never heard the story.
They were at a previous airline before coming here. Us graduates of the regional-airline world stick together.
These two went way back. They left the old airline to come here together.
She gave me the basics. I was given my task and told her I’d lay the trap at dinner later.
Fast-forward to dinner.
I got right to it when we got to the part of the evening where we fill each other in on our airline origin stories. So often it’s, “Where do you live? What did you do before here? Kids at home? Pets?”
I always mention my pigeon.
“So you two worked before at (redacted)…and knew each other there. The regional game was a different time wasn’t it. I miss the camaraderie . Flying with the same people. Getting to know people. Not to mention, the fun. Oh, wait. You were at (redacted). Was that story true? The one about the flight attendant in the hallway?”
Both had a straight face at that point. So did I. I deadpanned and Norm Macdonald’ed my way through the setup.
“I was at Republic Airlines. We had our stories for sure but… That one! I can’t remember the hotel, but there was this urban legend about…”
At that, one punched the other and uttered, “You little bitch,” with a smile.
I confessed. I told her I didn’t know the story, but obviously, she had to tell me now!
So she did.
She started with:
“Have you ever noticed the hotel hallway carpet is different from the carpet in the room?”
I said I hadn’t.
It actually surprised me. I’ve been living in hotels since 1999, and it had never crossed my mind. But a good friend once said, referring to my aloofness, “Stork. Don’t ever join the FBI.”
“Well, you will now! They do that so if you leave the room mistaking the hallway for the bathroom—with your glasses off, intoxicated, and naked—you’ll turn around!”
Today I learned.
“And that’s what happened. It was Cinco de Mayo. We got to the hotel early and got to the hotel bar early, and one thing led to another and yada yada yada. And I like to sleep naked.”
I did a little spit take. I can be dry in my delivery, but hers was spot-on.
“The sun hadn’t gone down yet, but I slept hard and fast after lunch. Cinco de Mayo, remember? And the Captain was buying. I think he thought it was his lucky day.
“Well, one thing led to another. You know, normal overnight. Daytime margaritas. Nachos. It was the Jersey Shore era, and we may have had a Coronarita. Lots of Up-dog jokes. I think at one point we had sombreros on.
“And then later, I found myself naked in the hallway when all I wanted to do was use the restroom and go back to bed before sunset, like every other AM trip. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and didn’t know the carpet trick then, and next thing I know, bam, I’m locked out of my room with no key!
“The panic hadn’t set in immediately. It was a slow burn. The Coronarita in me may have even produced a little laugh and a ‘For fuck’s sake.’
“At the time, I was a smoker, and I would get rooms on the first floor because the windows were guaranteed to open for a fire or, in the unlikely event of a water landing.
“I remembered the pool was just a few doors down, so, surprisingly calmly, I made the decision that I would nakedly and majestically make my way to the pool and grab a towel like this was a normal thing.
“Let me remind you: it was still daytime.
“When I looked into the pool area, there was a kid’s birthday party going on!
“Who the fuck throws a kid’s party on Cinco de Mayo? Didn’t they know that’s our day for day drinking?!
“Also, the towels were on the other side of the pool next to the piñata.
“That’s when the panic started.
“But then I had an idea. Because, at the time, since I sometimes smoked in the hotel—yes, I know!—I used to leave the bedroom window open.
“I had the wise idea that I would go outside, sneak through the bushes, find my way to my room, and sneak back in. Go to bed, after I finally peed, and nobody would ever know anything! Except for that one kid who pointed and laughed.
“Again, I was surprisingly calm, and I made the decision to crack the exit door open with the outside floor mat. Just in case this plan didn’t work.
“Spoiler alert: It did not work!
“When I got into the bushes, there was more than one room with the window cracked. I had no idea which one was mine, and just barging naked into a stranger’s room probably wasn’t a good idea.
“So that’s when I came up with Plan C.”
As much as I was enjoying this story, I was definitely cringing for her. But that didn’t prevent me from eating my fried calamari like the Michael Jackson eating-popcorn meme.
“Please, go on.” I insisted.
“Well, Plan C involved the Captain. And he was probably the worst man to involve in this scheme.
“I had known of him, and I had the experience of having drinks with him earlier. He definitely was the type of person who would enjoy having a naked flight attendant knock on his door. Probably something he had hoped would happen his whole life and never happened because he was weird.
“When I went back to the hallway from outside the bushes, I grabbed the outdoor floor mat and wrapped it around me like a wet, nasty toga. I waddled to his room in my rubber burrito.
“He opened the door pretty quickly after I knocked, like he had just made a wish on a genie lamp for this very thing to happen. He looked me up and down, gave me a dirty smile, pointed to the floor mat, and broke into a crazy laugh.
“I pushed him into his room because I didn’t want that laugh to alert any of the neighbors.
“That’s when I looked down and saw that, from knees to deck, the word WELCOME was spelled out clearly.
“To his credit, he was immediately sympathetic and probably had an idea of the situation that had led to this. He let me stay in his room while he went and re-swiped my key for me and probably told every person along the way.”
“This is a fantastic story,” I told her.
“And that, kids, is why hallway carpet is different from hotel-room carpet.”
I confessed I had never heard the story but it sounds exactly like something that would happen. I complimented her on her delivery and thanked her friend for including me.
And then I ordered a round of water.