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No longer an Airline Captain and I’ve Lost My Mojo

I’ve been an airline Captain since 2001. With a recent airline change I’m a First Officer again. The copilot. Just like Kareem Abdul-Jabar… and the guy who sat next to Sully. I’m one step up from Otto the autopilot in Airplane. I should have made business cards that said “Cool Jet Captain” while I could. (Mental note – change my voicemail greeting from Jet Captain to Seat Filler.) I’ve switched seats and I’ve lost my mojo. I don’t know where to put my pen. My right hand moves to push the buttons even though they’re on my left side now. And damned if I can’t make passenger announcements anymore. For years I’ve been saying the same thing to the people in the back. THE.SAME.THING “Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Blah blah blah. Weather is blah blah blah. There is going to be a few bumps on our climb out blah blah blah.” But now I start in with “This is your….” And I’m lost. Flatline. My inner voice screams “LINE!” But it’s just me. No cue cards. No teleprompter. Just me… […]

What I Did Not Do During My Summer Vacation

I was on vacation during the month of July. I ceased all work related activities. I also didn’t… It was a blissful month away from the airport. I return to the cockpit tomorrow. I just hope they didn’t move any of the buttons around.

Captain Dad – I Called Maintenance Control for a Toy Helicopter

My work life and home life collided yesterday when my son complained that his toy Hess helicopter wasn’t working as it was supposed to. “My helicopter won’t fly anymore!” It never flew. The blades spun. It lit up. It made lots noise. But it never flew. In his world, it did though. And now it did not. The batteries were dead. Naturally, they died while we were in the car. Away from fresh batteries. I suggested maybe we should take it to the helicopter doctor. In hindsight… this wasn’t the best approach. Although I liked the sound of helicopter doctor and it sounded pretty damned cute when he said it, it got pretty old when he refused to do anything but go to the helicopter doctor. “I think maybe the doctor is not in today.” I said. “I want to go to the helicopter doctor.” “Actually, they are not accepting new patients at the moment. I called last week for Mommy’s helicopter.” “I want to go to the helicopter doctor now!” “There is no such thing as a helicopter doctor!

The Time I Told an Aviation Icon I Didn’t Have a Business Card

Filed away years ago as, “Well, that sure was stupid.” Once, I met Southwest founder and former CEO, Herb Kelleher in the airport. We talked at length and I got the impression he liked me. He suggested as much. And then he asked for my card. To which I replied, “I don’t have a card. I’ve never had a reason to carry one.” It started like this. I was working a flight from Washington D.C. to Dallas and we were delayed for weather. We had boarded and were at the gate and I made a few announcements that the weather was looking bad in Dallas and we would wait a bit longer and hope for the best but there wasn’t much more we could do. I like to make these announcements using the flight attendant’s PA so I can be face to face with the passengers when I deliver the news. Especially if I’m having a good hair day. In this case, I had to make the announcement a few times until the final, “Well, it looks like we are

Is the First Officer Actually a Pilot?

Since the beginning, there have always been two pilots up on the flight deck. Had it not been for the Wright Brothers, maybe we’d only have one seat up there. It’s a common misconception that the First Officer (commonly referred to as the copilot in the movies or ‘gear monkey’ in real life) isn’t really a pilot. This is false. They are just as qualified as the Captain. The real question though is… are they essential? This takes us back to the Wright Brothers. Pilots are narcissists who need an audience. We need someone to laugh at our jokes and make us feel important. We need someone to entertain us when we get tired of monitoring the autopilot. We also need someone to humbly do the dirty work so we can keep our hands clean. This need for validation is  what encouraged the Wright Brothers to take to the skies in the first place. That and sibling rivalry.  The day Orville beat Wilbur in a bike race is the day Wilbur said, “Oh yeah! I’m gonna put wings on a

What You Should Not Ask Your Flight Crew

We obviously spend lots of time around the humans. We are in the service industry after all. Day in and day out we spend our time carrying you, your loved ones, your bags and your ‘service animals’ from here to there with ease. We do this with a smile on our face. Not because we get paid exorbitant amounts of money to do so but because we love it. It’s in our blood. Even though the means of travel have changed, the drivers and their staff have stayed the same. “All aboard!” I shout from the cockpit window up to the terminal waving my Captain’s hat through the morning fog while confirming the departure time on my gold pocket watch. Children watch with their noses to the window wondering what far off land I will be steering this magical flying machine to. My passengers are waving from their windows as we sail away. Except for the ones in steerage. They are angry. But while times have changed, I wonder if the passengers have remained the same? Did they make small

Living in Hotels – It’s Us or The Bedbugs

I spend about ten nights a month in hotels. I’ve been doing this job for fourteen years. I’ve slept (or attempted to sleep) in a hotel bed roughly 1700 times since then. I’ve learned a few things about survival along the way. I’ve not caught any nasty infections, have maintained a relatively healthy immune system, and have woken up most mornings rash-free. How do you stay so healthy while galavanting around that petri dish, you may ask? Very carefully. I have a fine-tuned hotel regimen that I will now offer you so that you too can wake up looking like the happy and well-rested humans on the poster in the elevator. “Good Day? No, Great Day!” First off… Everything is Hazmat. Every time your skin touches anything that didn’t come from the airlock chamber that you call your suitcase needs to be sanitized immediately. And remember to respect that airlock and treat it as the clean room that it is. It is your only fortress of solitude in the battle between you and the microscopic threats that are everywhere. Don’t put

But They Do Have Free Breakfast

When I was a young airline pilot and new to ‘the road’ I ranked hotels by their proximity to good food and entertainment. Now, I judge hotels on two things: internet speed and shower pressure. Oh, and free breakfast. I’m not even a breakfast guy. But when it’s free – I’m a kid in a carb-filled candy store. I pirouette around the kids begging their parents for another ‘home-made’ waffle with my tray of stale bagels, English muffins and knock-off Cheerios (Crunchy O’s, for the record). I feel like a malnourished Fred Astaire with a bowl of generic biscuits and gravy dancing to CNN Headline News. Some hotel meals are better than others. Some are simply offering something so they can entice the road warriors. This way they can add another checkmark on Hotels.com along with “In-room safe” and “Fitness Room”. I stayed at a hotel once that had a bagged loaf of bread next to a toaster with a tub of butter and a communal jar of jelly by its side. Jelly is so much more filling when a

Why it is Imperative you Land a Pilot

This article was floating around Facebook today explaining why it is imperative you land a pilot. 6 reasons to be exact. Since I am a pilot, I figured I’d explain my reasoning why scoring a Jet Captain should be on your to-do list. While you may find a man irresistible who gets paid to strap himself to a hurtling piece of metal for a living think about this: that same man safely brings that metal back down to Earth while dodging birds, kites, and the occasional errant birthday party balloon. How sexy it must be to imagine him in the cockpit driving the airplane to the gate as quickly and safely as possible because he needs to use the restroom after pounding coffee for the last few hours. Even though these notions are enticing enough, let me tell you other down-to-earth reasons why dating a pilot is a real treat. And if you’re so lucky to marry one, I’ll tell you the secrets you have in store for you. I should know. I am a pilot. If you’re into jet

Being a Pilot is Ruining Me

I’m not gonna go into all the obvious hazards of flying likes skin cancer, alcoholism, divorce and controlled flight into terrain. Those have been covered before. It’s the day to day stuff that is killing me. It’s not the job… it’s the lifestyle. Although I may only fly a few hours a day, if I am away from home, I am working. I am working even when I am sitting in a hotel bed flipping through the channels with an ice bucket bag over the remote so my fingers don’t have to touch it. I am working when I am wandering around an airport not getting paid looking for a place to hide from passengers so I can read without getting hassled about where to buy a neck pillow or pick up luggage. I am also working when I’m risking life and limb in the back of a hotel van with a driver too old to operate a toaster oven – especially when the kitchen floor is iced over. Since the career I have chosen for myself is a lifestyle

Folks, It will Be Yet Another Hour Before We Depart.

Some days, I actually do work. But it’s not the work you would assume. It’s not fighting nasty storms or battling wind shear down the final approach to an icy runway. It’s interacting with the passengers and assuring them that at some point, we will arrive at our destination. I like that part of the job. To my flight attendant friends, I say this: “Yes, I know. When things get tough, I get to close the bulletproof cockpit door. Your job is way harder than ours!” So, I only work a little bit, but it is the part of the job I really enjoy and the reason why I’ve never really been drawn to the world of cargo flying. They say, “Boxes don’t complain,” but it’s these types of fires I enjoy putting out. Our 12:30 flight boarded on time yesterday, and we began our taxi, although I had a hunch we’d be delayed. Nothing official yet, I just had a hunch. We were off to Washington’s Reagan Airport, and both Baltimore and Washington Dulles-bound flights had been issued a

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